


united we stand divided we fall

by fearlessavantgarde



Series: make a wish [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Bromance, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Lee Taeyong-centric, M/M, Multi, Physical Abuse, Protective Lee Taeyong, Protective Suh Youngho | Johnny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-14 09:08:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 18,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28668255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fearlessavantgarde/pseuds/fearlessavantgarde
Summary: How it all started, how it all ended and how we got through it - together.It's never too late for a second chance.orHow Taeyong slowly collapsed under the pressure of trying to be the perfect leader, but we realized it too late.
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Everyone, Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Series: make a wish [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2115753
Comments: 23
Kudos: 132





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still not sure where I want to start this journey and how many chapters will be released but I'm really looking forward to writing this down!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a short prologue to the upcoming story, I hope you'll like it! 
> 
> English is not my native language, there might be a lot of mistakes, feedback is always welcome and highly appreciated.
> 
> (special thanks goes to the one and only bek I have in this world)

#### prologue

#### 

* * *

We didn't notice.

Shortly before our new comeback, we all had a lot on our plates; we hardly slept, only ever ate something quickly and hastily when a short break between two appointments was approved by our management.  
When we came home late at night, everyone immediately disappeared wordlessly into his room, exhausted, and tried to find at least some rest, until a few hours later already a new, packed day knocked on the door. We had to function. There was hardly any energy left for conversation, so everyone dragged themselves through this time full of stress, pressure to perform, and physical overload in their own way.

All in all, it was okay. Bearable, at least. After all, we were used to these phases in our profession. The enthusiastic cheers of the fans after a good performance, the electrifying high in which you literally floated over the stage and simply enjoyed the moment - they were praise and gratitude and fuel enough for us to keep biting through, to deliver another flawless performance every day and to not collapse prematurely.

So actually, everything was the same as at has always been - and yet we hadn't noticed, yet he had been the one who had always been at the center of the group.  
Our leader.  
Always competent, always composed, always polite, always considerate, always looking out for the well-being of his members.

Even when we just wanted to fall into bed exhausted after a long day, he was the one to urge us to eat some more. It wouldn't be good for our health, we shouldn't have to sleep with an empty stomach after a hectic day.  
It was not uncommon for him to be standing in the kitchen even at midnight, gently smiling as he cooked something for all the others. What we didn't notice, however, was that he himself barely touched his food, poking at it listlessly and only forcing down a couple of bites.  
For something had been constricting his throat for some time, but he simply smiled it away. We shouldn't have to worry, everything would look much better tomorrow. A lie, with which he soothed himself constantly and for a short moment it helped - until his demons, his doubts, caught up with him again.

When Haechan fell during the rehearsals, he was the first to rush to his side and help him up, and in the evening the first thing he did was to bring ointment and some ice to soothe the swelling, and for the next two days Haechan had to stay at home and rest until he could perform again without pain.

We didn't notice that he, Taeyong himself, had to rely on the effects of painkillers for all that time, for those whole weeks, because his migraines, persistent due to stress, were sending more daggers through his skull with every passing minute.

He was the only person, besides Johnny and Taeil, who could calm the members down when negative headlines about their past made the rounds on the net again and apologized to us for days on end out of sheer self-hatred as well as feelings of guilt and almost broke down.  
He always found the right words to reassure the others, to encourage them to continue, to assure them that we truly needed and appreciated them and did not blame them in any way. That they had done nothing wrong, had already publicly asked for forgiveness for their mistakes at the time, and it no longer mattered what had happened before - it was the here and now that counted.

We did not notice that our leader himself was crushed and suffocated by an incredibly heavy load of negative emotions day after day. That he only allowed himself to drop the perfect facade in the short minutes under the shower, the hot tears on his cheeks mixed with the icy water, unseen, unheard - his eyes were a bit more red than usual, that might be true, but perhaps he had simply showered too long and too warm.  
He was never good enough for himself. Never.

No one had noticed.

Really no one?

Of course we had seen his slow deterioration, but at the same time we did not want to admit it.

To our frequent concerns as to whether he was well, whether something was bothering him, to our pleas that he should get some more rest, he answered only with a broad smile, assuring us that he was just tired, like the rest of us, and that after our comeback there would be plenty of time to catch up on all that sleep. We exchanged sceptical glances, but settled for this answer.  
He was our support, indomitable and reliable. He would let us know when he needed support; he never liked to give work away, didn't want to burden us with it.  
He wanted to be a good leader. That more than anything, but he always saw only his own faults.

...the truth, however, was right in front of our eyes the whole time. Right in front of us. We saw it every single day.  
Actually, it wouldn't have taken any words to get his honest answer. One look at him was enough.

He was miserable. Already broken inside, lying in a sea of shards that pierced into his soul.  
He had been bleeding for a long time, quietly, secretly.

Yet we had all been so blind. So inconceivably blind, blind and stupid and naive.

Hadn't the shadows under his eyes grown a shade darker day by day? Had his eyes always been riddled with countless red veins? Had his favorite shirt always hung so loosely around his body? And his fingernails. Actually, we had thought he had gotten out of the habit of biting them when he felt restless. Wasn't his gaze too often absent, empty, glazed into the distance? He was no longer here, with us.

We had noticed it, definitely noticed that something was different about him, but did not hear his silent cry for help.

We always turned to him with our worries and problems, but he never turned to us, his own worries made his heart so heavy.

In a way, we all failed. And for now, he's gone.

#### Seoul, one year later

#### 

* * *

A slender man stepped somewhat forlornly into the airport's spacious entrance hall. He had pulled his black cap low on his face, a face mask covering more than half of his face, the hood of his hoodie over his dark mop of hair. He stopped briefly, looking around before his gaze fell on the small reception committee of managers and employees, most of the faces unfamiliar to him, making him hesitate a moment too long. He wondered if he should turn back after all? There was still time, it wasn't too late.

Soon he was surrounded and protected by their small group, he was led out with hurried steps and a hint too serious, only the most necessary words were exchanged, here and there a small friendly welcome, and he was ushered into the black van, darkened windows, the driver ready to drive off without delay.

Still a little confused, his thoughts diffuse, he leaned his head against the window of the vehicle and stared out into the brightly flashing, bustling night of the city as it rushed blurrily past him, the city that had long ago become the scene of his personal tragedy.

He was back. He was scared as hell, yes, but he was finally back.

He was finally back home.


	2. burned pancakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taeyong burning his pancakes and unintentionally a small piece of Johnny's heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo I decided to start right from the beginning, this will be a long, long journey! I hope I'm gonna make it through haha.
> 
> English is not my native language, there might be a lot of mistakes, feedback is always welcome and highly appreciated.
> 
> (special thanks goes to the one and only bek I have in this world)

\- 

#### Starting point: Somewhat before everything went down the drain.

\- 

#### POV: Johnny

#### 

* * *

\- 

Johnny wasn't quite sure when it all had started. It wasn't the first time he felt like everything was slowly but steadily falling apart. Something was off.  
It was, as he said, just a quiet feeling, an uncomfortable pinch in the pit of his stomach, and he decided to ignore it for now.  
It wasn't serious yet, everything was still running smoothly and he was probably just overprotective as usual.  
If only he had listened to his gut feeling back then, many things would have turned out differently. For the better; perhaps everything would have turned out well.  
But maybe it was time for a disaster to happen, because sooner or later it would have happened anyway.  
Nevertheless, he felt guilt weighing heavily on his shoulders.  
He could have prevented it. 

At first, there were just a few small things that were a bit alarming, and his gaze slid way too often to his boyfriend.  
Taeyong, as composed and collected as he appeared to the outside world, had many problems, though he did not speak of them. As his hyungs, Johnny and Taeil were the only ones he opened up to now and then, when everything became a little too much for him to handle by himself.  
It was a damn hard job to keep a pack of twenty-one full-grown men, who possessed far too much energy, under control. He always had to be careful to maintain a balance - on the one hand, he was a respected person whose word counted for a lot, but on the other hand, he couldn't withdraw, couldn't appear aloof. Because all in all, he was also nothing more than just a young man who needed his friends, wanted to crack jokes with them, and occasionally felt the need to do something that was perhaps not too clever.  
It was not easy for him, he always had in mind the consequences of what could happen if he did not play his role as a leader well enough.

He and Johnny talked for nights about his struggles, doubts, and fears; Johnny promised him to support him to the best of his ability through it all, asking him to include the other members as well.  
No one refused when Taeyong asked for help. The only problem was - Taeyong hardly ever asked them for any help at all.  
The daily stress gradually had become a normal condition for him, he decided that he just had to get used to it. It was not unbearable, he was still capable of managing everything just fine.  
But little by little, habits crept in that were anything but healthy for him. His personal coping mechanisms gave him at least a little relief; but he hid his behavior thoroughly from the others.

The person who first noticed was, no surprise, Johnny. 

~

It would actually have sounded ridiculous if you had told the event to an outsider.  
But it was unusual. Something that hardly ever happened in their routine, every day was strictly planned through.

It all started with Taeyong burning the pancakes one morning.

Usually it was the annoying beeping of his or Haechan's alarm clock that jolted Johnny awake in the morning. Sometimes it was also Taeyong knocking on their door, silently entering if there was no answer, and turning on a bedside lamp to gently shake them both awake. The latter, of course, was Johnny's favorite - but he wasn't blessed with mornings like that every day.  
But the third variant he was served today - was unexpected. 

One moment Johnny was floating happily through his dream world, Taeyong ever-present even there, when a shrill noise woke him rudely from his sleep. In an instant, he was almost standing in his bed - a quick glance to the side was enough to see that Haechan was no different. With eyes wide open, they stared at each other wordlessly for a moment before Johnny pulled the covers aside and stormed out of their room.  
He followed the deafening sound to the kitchen. He was the first to arrive, but behind his back he could hear more doors slamming. A little stunned, he tried to understand the scene in front of his eyes, tried realize what exactly was going on here: just a few meters away from him, Taeyong, still in his pyjamas, was balancing on his tiptoes on a chair, swaying dangerously back and forth, trying to silence the fire alarm on the ceiling.  
A quick glance around the kitchen was enough to see the smoke billowing to the ceiling, creating a slight burning sensation in his nose and throat. A loud curse slipped from his throat, which he regretted a second later. Taeyong, fixated on his task, turned to him, startled, his foot slipped on the chair and he stumbled. As if in slow motion, Johnny watched his boyfriend lose his balance and topple backwards.  
He did not think, his body acted quickly.  
Just a heartbeat later, he stretched out his strong arms to Taeyong, releasing a low groan as the only slightly younger man slammed his full body weight against his chest, knocking them both backwards. With a thump, they fell to the ground, Johnny's arms wrapped tightly around Taeyong's waist, cushioning the fall as best he could. Fortunately for them, there was nothing behind them, only a carpet that saved Johnny's head from a painful impact.  
Breathing heavily, they were lying quietly for a brief moment before Johnny, with Taeyong now in his lap, sat up and sighed in relief. Concerned, he took Taeyong's face in both of his hands and looked him in the eyes. Taeyong still seemed a bit distracted, his gaze glassy and not quite present.  
"Hey, baby, are you okay? Are you hurting somewhere?" Johnny whispered softly, as the sound of the fire alarm died.  
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw that Haechan had already rushed to their rescue. Johnny gave him a grateful smile before turning his full attention back to Taeyong. He saw that the Taeyong's hands were barely noticeably shaking and took them gently into his.  
"Baby. Taeyong. Talk to me."  
At that moment, Taeyong seemed to regain consciousness. He shook his head slowly, looking around as if he had forgotten where he was. Johnny stroked his back soothingly, concern in his eyes. Slightly parting his lips, Taeyong wanted to say something, but his voice failed him. Briefly clearing his throat, he turned in Johnny's grip. As if embarrassed, as if ashamed - at that very moment the other residents of their dorm arrived, manager included. All eyes were fixed on him.  
"It's ... ", he slowly began to speak, his voice all hoarse and rough, again he had to rasp as he rose and dug his fingers into the back of the chair until his knuckles turned all white. "...I'm sorry that just happened. I got distracted for a moment and burned the pancakes. It's all good, sorry if I upset you." He smiled weakly, brushing strands of hair from his forehead. "I'll make it up to you, new ones are already on their way. It won't happen again."  
Without waiting for the others' answers, he turned away and went back to the stove to clean up the mess. Somewhat perplexed, the others exchanged glances and shrugged their shoulders. Johnny still sat on the floor, unmoving, his gaze refusing to leave Taeyong's back even just for a second. All of a sudden, he didn't feel like eating breakfast anymore. Something was wrong with Taeyong, damn it, he had never burned anything before. Never. Taeyong was a damn perfectionist, multitasking was just one of his many talents.  
With a few words he sent the others back to their rooms, saying he wanted to give Taeyong a hand. Quiet conversations arose as the squad trotted back down the hall to doze a bit more or wash up. 

When they were alone again, he stepped silently behind Taeyong, putting a hand on the small of his back, and rested his chin on the smaller man's shoulder as he watched him pour new batter into the pan.  
Still, Taeyong didn't say a word. Johnny wasn't even sure he noticed him being right here, by his side.  
"Baby. I beg you, say something. I'm worried." he then whispered lovingly in the Taeyong's ear, his breath hotly brushing Taeyong's cheek, giving the younger one slight goosebumps. And finally the latter sighed softly, turning to Johnny so that the tips of their noses were only a few centimetres apart. He looked directly at him and again Johnny felt a stab in the pit of his stomach. Taeyong's eyes were strangely cold, somehow rigid and forbidding.  
He saw affection in them that he must feel for his boyfriend, but inside he had distanced himself from him somewhat. And that hurt like hell.  
"Sorry." As Taeyong smiled widely, a second sun seemed to rise right before Johnny's eyes. He loved this man, yes, Johnny’s soul was hopelessly lost.  
It burdened him all the more when he didn't know how to help Taeyong.  
"Do you feel sick?" Johnny didn't want to admit defeat yet.  
Taeyong just shook his head gently and put a hand to Johnny's cheek.  
"I'm just tired. As usual. I checked our schedules for today and lost track of time. At least everyone's awake now, so something good came out of it after all, am I right?"  
Johnny just let out an unhappy grumble and looked to the side.  
"I could have done without that. And I could bet Haechan is already fast asleep again." he muttered to himself.  
All he got in response was a quiet laugh, but his heart immediately warmed a little at the sound.  
"Do you want to help me? I have some catching up to do." Taeyong asked, pressing the spatula into Johnny's hand, his eyes flashing mischievously. Now Johnny couldn't help smiling after all.  
"Always baby. Tell me what you want me to do."

Still - Johnny never wanted to be awakened by the sound of the fire alarm and the smell of burnt food again. Never again. He felt as if he had lost ten years of his life span in that short time.  
Unfortunately, the series of bad events did not stop here. 


	3. I'm fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's nothing to worry about. He's just tired. Right?  
> A good night's sleep is all he needs. Right?  
> Wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English is not my native language, there might be a lot of mistakes, feedback is always welcome and highly appreciated. Enjoy!
> 
> (special thanks goes to the one and only bek I have in this world)

#### POV: Johnny

#### 

* * *

“I think something’s going on with Taeyong.”  
Johnny stood with Yuta and Taeil in the hallway outside their training room. Sweat glistened on their reddened faces.  
They had been here for eight hours already and it looked like they would be trapped for two more.  
Taeil frowned and thought for a moment, while Yuta just smirked cynically, crossing his arms in front of his chest and raising an eyebrow.  
“Well, obviously something’s going on with him. Anyone with eyes in their head can tell,” Yuta said, glancing back at the room where the other NCT127 members were sitting on the floor, enjoying their short break. Mark was about to take a sip from his water bottle when Haechan crawled up to him and slapped him brotherly on the back, causing Mark to choke, and he immediately began to chase after Haechan. Jaehyun just sat there, pretending to be quite unconcerned of what he just had witnessed, an amused smile lifting up the corners of his mouth.  
Everything looked the same, as usual. Normal. Peaceful.  
Taeil finally shook his head and looked at Johnny.  
“He would have told us if he needed help. The dance rehearsals are going well, we have enough time, there is no need for extra pressure. But we should make sure he gets a little more extra sleep in for the next few days - and Yuta too, before he gets even more obnoxious than he already is. Lack of sleep changes the personality of each of us. Don’t stress too much over it, Johnny. Taeyong knows what he is doing. Trust him for now. Okay?”  
Taeil smiled reassuringly and briefly put a hand on his shoulder before joining the others and stopping Haechan, who almost crashed into him, still being on the run from Mark's dreadful revenge. Quickly, Taeil put him in a headlock, while Mark began to tickle the youngest member violently until all three were breathless and lying on the floor.  
A little dejected and slightly frustrated, Johnny stared at the ground and pressed his lips together thinly. Was he perhaps worrying too much after all?  
“Hey. Cheer up, buddy. Don’t get me wrong, it’s really great and nice that you care. But everything will turn out just fine. We’ve got this,” Yuta said to him, before joining the members, pretending to jump up at Haechan, who in response let out a startled cry. The others just laughed at the comedy duo, trying to comfort poor Haechan by shouting “Saranghae, Haechan, saranghaeeee!”  
And again, Johnny decided to leave the unpleasant topic for the time being.  
They were right: Taeyong was an adult and he was not his mother.  
But wasn't he the one who knew Taeyong best? It was his job to make sure that Taeyong was doing well. If Taeyong was taking care of everyone else, who was taking care of him? Johnny's heart grew a little heavy and he sighed, then straightened his shoulders and forced himself to smile. Yuta was right. Everything would turn out just fine in the end, it always did. He had to trust Taeyong, had to trust that their leader knew his limits and could assess them.  
If you weren't able to do that, you would quickly go down in this business, you simply couldn't afford slacking off on those things.  
Yes, he trusted him - well, he tried, least. 

#### POV: Taeyong

#### 

* * *

He had known that today would not be a good day.  
He had already known when he was barely able to open his eyes in the morning.  
How long did I sleep?, he wondered.  
All he could remember was that he had rolled around in the sheets until four in the morning, his limbs aching so much that he could hardly remain in one position for more than a few minutes. Not to mention the dull, throbbing pain in his skull. During the day, he blocked out the pain, was distracted enough to do so. Took some pain killers. Maybe more than he was allowed to, but he didn't have a choice.

But at night, when he was supposed to be resting, his agony seemed to suddenly multiply. He hated the night. Because at night he was alone with his thoughts. He didn't want to ask Johnny to go to sleep together every day, because it wasn't unusual for him to wake up from a nightmare with tear-stained cheeks. Johnny already had enough to worry about.  
He knew he had to sleep - but how could he make his body understand this simple fact? His exhausted body had long stopped listening to what he said.  
Yes, Taeyong was afraid to sleep. To dream. To be alone. The others thought he simply needed some time without having them around, but his room had startet to feel more and more like a prison from which he could only free himself with great effort.  
How could they understand how he felt?  
He did not want them to understand. Everything should go its usual way, everything was fine. 

As he stood in the restroom, hands firmly gripping both sides of the sink, he slowly raised his head.  
And what he saw in the mirror frightened him.  
He looked like a ghost. The ash-blond hair untidy and tangled, the cheeks sunken, dark circles under his eyes, which made them look unnaturally large. No longer beautiful. His eyes had always been that part of his body that he was most confident in. His lips were dry and chapped.  
It had to be the bright, fluroescent light. Nothing he should seriously worry about. He was fine, really.  
He quickly refreshed his face with some water, wiped it dry with the hem of his T-shirt. He stepped outside when suddenly his vision blurred. The room seemed to spin for a moment, the next moment he was down on his knees. Shit. What was happening? Had his body finally decided to betray him?  
“Taeyong-hyung! Break is over, back to work!”  
A loud voice shot through his head like a bullet and Taeyong winced. Fortunately, they could not see him. Taeyong forced himself to take a few deep breaths before standing up on shaky legs and leaning against the wall. Okay. He could do it. It was a piece of cake. Nothing to worry about. It wasn’t the first time for him to faint out of the blue. He just had to get his shit together.  
“Coming!” he shouted as loud as he could, but even he could hear how weak his voice sounded. Frustrated, he bit down on his lower lip.

Somehow he managed to drag himself back to the practice room. His body had switched to energy-saving mode all by itself. Smile, Taeyong, he reminded himself. Smile and don’t get distracted by whatever is going on with you. Your body is playing games with you, but that doesn't mean you have to join in.  
He clapped his hands enthusiastically, the other members blurred shapes at the edge of his field of vision.  
Still, he smiled.  
"Okay guys, we're almost done for the day!" Taeyong called out.  
“Hey, Yongie, are you all right?” Taeil asked. Johnny, meanwhile, glanced at his boyfriend from a corner with a thoughtful look, but kept silent.  
"Yeah, let's do it, then we'll call it a night. How about a movie night with the Dreamies? We could order food, we haven't done that in while, have we?”  
“Sure, sounds good.” The others nodded in agreement.  
“Great. Then let's get over with it quick, get your lazy butts off the floor.”  
"This may take a while with Haechan's splendid specimen he’s carrying around." muttered a still somewhat disgruntled Mark, acting like a prima donna.  
"Hey, Mark, let's leave him alone for today," Jaehyun said, but couldn't help smiling. "Make up already, okay?"  
"I'd be very grateful," Haechan complained.  
Johnny stepped out of his corner to join the others and laughed softly.  
"Don't feel bad kid, you know we love you. Right?"  
Haechan just grumbled something unintelligible to himself before everyone took their designated positions and they continued their dance practice. 

The dance practice was, unsurprisingly, Taeyong's personal hell. His movements were too slow, too sloppy, not precise enough, not in sync.  
Over and over again his sight went pitch black for a moment and his thoughts became mushy. Somehow his body still remembered what he had to do, he had awesome muscle memory, and so it was not immediately noticeable, but he could feel the concerned looks of the others in his back.  
After an hour, they decided enough was enough. For Taeyong, that hour felt like an eternity. 

He couldn't remember how he made it into the van that would take them to their dorm. As soon as he heaved himself onto the seat with the last of his remaining strength, his eyes already fell shut and his head slid to the side. Just in time, Johnny leaned in, so that he reached Taeyong's cheek, rested it on his shoulder. Johnny's fingers slid into Taeyong 's hair, wandering down to his neck, gently massaging the tense muscles. Taeyong groaned weakly and snuggled into the crook of Johnny's neck. He was dead tired. He was firmly convinced that he would never be able to get up again. At least not for the next few minutes. Johnny's presence was too warm, too comfortable, too soothing. Exactly what he needed at the moment.  
Johnny smiled fondly as his boyfriend relaxed a little.  
"What's wrong with him?" a distant voice reached Taeyong’s ears, but he didn’t really pay attention to it.  
"I don't know. I really don't and I wish I knew, " Johnny said, sounding very concerned. Johnny shouldn't have to be sad. That was wrong, Taeyong thought, barely conscious. Tomorrow I will make him a delicious breakfast, that will help. That has always helped. He will be fine.  
He had just thought this sentence to the end when his tiredness finally overwhelmed him and he fell into a deep slumber.

Taeyong didn't notice how Johnny decided to not wake him when they arrived. Instead, Johnny carried him in his arms to his bed; carefully stripped him of his clothes and put on his pyjamas before lying down right next to him for some time, silently looking at Taeyong's relaxed face as he slept and lovingly running his hand over his boyfriend's cheek.  
"Sleep. You've earned it. You did a good job today, baby. As always." Johnny whispered softly and to his surprise a faint smile appeared on Taeyong's lips.


	4. fancy food and trust issues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't wanna go out to eat and have fun with you. I must work, why can't you understand?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English is not my native language, there might be a lot of mistakes, feedback is always welcome and highly appreciated. Enjoy!
> 
> (special thanks goes to the one and only bek I have in this world)

#### POV: mostly Johnny

#### 

* * *

“Why won’t you let me help you?” Johnny complained. He was on his way to have lunch at some fancy new restaurant right around the corner with the others, ‘... so many good reviews hyung, it must be amazing, they guarantee their guests a divine taste’, Jungwoo had already told him about a dozen times by now, but Taeyong in turn had just told Johnny that he still had some work to do and would not be able to tag along with them.  
Johnny had offered his help, so that they could go and join the members after they had finished the work, but Taeyong had flatly declined his offer.  
And right now, Johnny was slightly angry. 

“There’s just no need for you to help me. Our choreography still has some weak points, some parts need to be adjusted to... ” Taeyong stated with an indifferent look on his face. Johnny had no clue what was going on inside that pretty head of his boyfriend right now, but he somehow grew tired of having to ask and getting the same evasive answers. He felt as if he was being forced to run a marathon on the spot, not moving an inch forward, no matter how hard he struggled.  
“Do you think I'm not qualified or capable enough? Is that it? Should I ask someone else? Maybe Mark can...”  
Taeyong cut him off by raising his hand, sighting exhaustedly and putting the tablet aside while rubbing the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. He looked like he was in pain.  
"No, no Johnny, please, stop it. There's not much left to do anyway, let me finish this real quick. Then I'll take a rest, I promise. Now go before the others starve to death right on our doorstep."  
And what about you?, Johnny wanted to shout at him angrily, but he held back, silently clenching his hands into tight fists.  
"All right, fine. But if you're still sitting here at the same spot when we get back, you’ll have to face the consequences."  
"Okay, agreed." Taeyong laughed softly, his eyes forming into crescent moons. “Now, hush. Take your pack with you, don't leave anyone behind. For now, you are the leader. They will listen to you if you are authoritative enough. Otherwise, threaten them with having to clean up after the mess they make every single day. Trust me, it works wonders.”  
"I don't have to threaten them, I trust them," Johnny said, sounding grumpier than he had meant to.  
Taeyong's smile faded as soon as he heard the accusation in the other's words.  
“I’m sorry Johnny. Just this once,” he said, perfectly calm, too tired to smile, but the look he gave Johnny was a little warmer, less absent than before.  
Reluctantly, Johnny accepted it for now.  
“Don't worry, we'll save you some bites!” Jungwoo's head popped up right behind Johnny's back, a broad smile plastered on his face. "Only if you follow Johnny’s instructions, of course." he added a bit more seriously, then his gaze softened. “Please take care of yourself, Taeyong-hyung. We need you.”  
Taeyong smiled. “I will.”  
Johnny snorted with scepticism, before he casually ruffled Jungwoo's hair and turned around, ready to leave. But he stopped in his tracks for a moment, gave Taeyong an indefinable look over his shoulder, before he chased everyone outside and the door closed with a soft click.  
And with his friends leaving him behind, the creeping silence began to swallow Taeyong whole.


	5. I should have known better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taeyong's migraine worsens, but he gets help. Johnny should have known better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English is not my native language, there might be a lot of mistakes, feedback is always welcome and highly appreciated. Enjoy!
> 
> (special thanks goes to the one and only bek I have in this world)

#### POV: Taeyong

#### 

* * *

The sudden silence was frighteningly quiet and at the same time deafeningly loud.  
A startling realization came to him at the very moment: He was alone. Again.  
It was a silent killer; his killer. The killer of his true self.

As if this was a sign, his body decided to present all of his suffering to Taeyong in all of his beautiful facets.  
For the span of a few heartbeats, Taeyong felt as if his head was underwater, as if he was suffocating, drowning beneath the waves crashing over him.  
Water filled his eyes, his lungs, clogged them, and constricted his chest.  
His heartbeat accelerated, so did his breathing.  
Focus, he said to himself. It's too early for this to happen, focus.  
Shaking all over, the black tablet slipped from his fingers and fell to the floor with a dull sound .  
A sharp pain shot through his head and he slumped forward, whimpering and pressing his hands against his temples and uttering another barely audible whimper.  
A short curse slipped from his lips, but this was already enough to jab another imaginary knife into his head. He was surprised that no blood was yet dripping from one of his ears.  
But still - he had no time for such things to happen. There was so much he had to do, he could sleep later, he could...  
Focus. FOCUS LEE TAEYONG DAMMIT. 

He gathered all of his remaining strength and dragged himself to the bathroom.  
In this state, he couldn't see anything anymore, a deafening beep echoed in his ears.  
He opened one of the cupboards blindly, aimlessly rummaging around until his fingertips brushed against a small box. Uncontrollably shaking, he took two painkillers from it, almost dropping them in the process, swallowed them down his throat without any water, until finally slumping against the wall and sinking to the floor. 

His eyelids fluttered, the dark long lashes flickered as dark shadows across his cheeks as his gaze lost all focus.  
The pain grew worse by the second; he just wished for him to pass out, so the pain would stop.  
He just wanted it to stop. Was that too much to ask for?

When he was able to form a clear thought between two stabbing pains, he wondered if his migraines had always been this bad. When exactly had he gotten to the point, that one pill had no longer been enough? When two, three, four, until now even five pills barely helped him through the day.  
He didn't know anymore. And at that moment he had no more strength to think about it. His head slumped lifelessly to one side, his hands dropped down into his lap. Beads of sweat dribbling down his face, he was hot and cold at the same time. His eyelids were heavy as lead, each breath more strenuous than the previous one.

Please, God, make it stop, please, someone save me, he silently prayed.

Something hot and wet ran down his cheeks, feeling like sharp needles piercing his skin.  
He consisted only of pain, nausea, darkness.

When he had finally started to lose his consciousness, loud noises reached his ears. No, he thought, no, please, be quiet, I can't stand it. Taeyong whimpered softly, wanting to press his hands on his ears to shut out all noise surrounding him, but his hands would not respond to the commands of his head.  
Someone said his name, horrified, footsteps approaching his slumped figure. No, he wanted to shout at them, no, leave me alone. I don't want you to see me like this, PLEASE. 

A shadow slipped over him, hands touching his skin, and he groaned in agony as they lifted him up, cool fingers brushing his burning forehead. Briefly he allowed himself to lean against them, they soothed his pain, but the effect was only temporary.  
"...yong, Taeyong! Can you hear me? I know you're in pain, but I need to know what's going on. Taeyong!" said an urgent voice near his ear, forced him to stay conscious for just a bit longer. He opened his eyes for a short moment, but closed them instantly as the lights burned through his brain.  
Nevertheless, he tried to speak. His lips parted and after three failed attempts he managed to force the words out.  
"...don't ... feel so good ... migraine...."  
“Okay baby. I got it. Sorry it took so long for me to notice. It's going to hurt a little bit right now, but it'll be better in a minute, all right? We have no choice, you can't sit here on the cold floor any longer. ”  
Taeyong gave his permission with a weak, brave nod, his eyes tightly closed.  
He trusted this voice for a reason. 

A second one joined in the next moment, when someone grabbed him under the armpits and the back of his knees. Gently he was lifted up, yet he couldn't suppress a faint yelp when that was already enough to bring more hammer blows down on his skull.  
"Calm down. Everything is okay. Hang in there, baby."  
Taeyong’s head sank against something warm and solid and he dug his face into the soft fabric, in a desperate attempt to block out all sources of light.  
Strong arms carried him a few meters, hands sliding soothingly through his hair,caressing his back; they laid him down slowly, he could feel soft sheets beneath his fingers.  
Only then did he feel his body take a deep, deep breath as if on its own accord. The pain was still present, but no longer lethal to his mind. Warm fingers stroked his cheeks, massaged his temples, slid in soothing circles over his back.  
"We're here, Taeyong. It's all right."

Gradually, his heartbeat became a little calmer, his breathing more regular.  
He had no strength left, the sudden seizure had paralyzed his entire body.  
Now that the worst was over, the old thoughts were back in his head; instantly. This should not have happened. It had never come over him so badly and suddenly, and now the others would soon know about it. All of them.  
They had seen him, had seen him when he was weak, weak and vulnerable.  
He had failed.  
How was he going to explain it to them? Taeyong felt ashamed, hoping that he would just fall asleep and never wake up.  
But he was not allowed to. He had to be a role model and deal with this situation calmly and maturely, as it was expected of him. 

He was already playing through dozens of situations, scenarios and ways to explain himself, when his body began to tremble again.  
"Oh Taeyong, damn it," he heard someone swear in a low voice. He blinked, but saw nothing. The room was in complete darkness.

The bed beneath him tilted slightly to one side as arms wrapped around his shoulders in the next instant.  
"Try to calm yourself down, you're safe," someone whispered in his ear as he was tightly pulled back against a broad chest.  
Again there were fingers in his hair, the person next to him was talking to someone across the room.  
And that's when Taeyong realized who was next to him.  
It was Johnny. He had come back to him.


	6. we really care about you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're not alone, Taeyong. The others are there to help, you just have to let them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English is not my native language, there might be a lot of mistakes, feedback is always welcome and highly appreciated. Enjoy!
> 
> (special thanks goes to the one and only bek I have in this world)

#### POV: Taeyong

#### 

* * *

When he opened his eyes, he felt as if he had been hit by a truck the day before. His muscles were all sore and tense, there was a throbbing pain right behind his left eye; he must have slept for quite some time, but still, he wanted to sleep some more, for an eternity at least; until the end of the world, until the next apocalypse.  
Whatever option it was, he didn't care, anything was fine with him.

But this wishful thinking came to an abrupt end just moments later. Needless to say, he wasn't too happy about it.  
And the familiar voice, his everlasting friend and companion, entered his head without him being able to defend himself against it.  
It took over his thoughts without asking him for permission.  
It _just did_.  
It dug the poisonous comments into his skull like sharp, long nails. Taeyong groaned in dire distress, as it began to speak to him in a voice that no longer sounded human.  
_Do you still feel sorry for yourself, my dear Taeyong? Even if your answer is yes, you have no right to do so. Get up, you have duties to perform. Smile, even if you don’t feel like doing so, no one wants to put up with your bad moods.  
Do you want to make negative headlines again?  
Haven't you had enough already of others constantly suffering from your past scandals?  
You being the one standing in the way of NCT’s success?_

_Look at you, being fucking sick and pale and thin. And you call that a visual? You were gifted with such a pretty face and even this potential is wasted if you are the one it was given to.  
Well, it could be worse I guess - you can still dance. That's at least something for now, a single, insignificant, pathetic reason to not kick you out yet. _

_The reason why they appointed you of all people to be their leader?  
**Because you have to compensate for all your weaknesses and flaws, Taeyong.**  
Everyone does their part, everyone contributes their talents and new ideas. And what is it that you can do that will help us move forward?  
All you are doing is just standing there trying your hardest to look good. And even that is probably too much to ask, even at that you failed.  
If you have nothing else to offer, you should at least do something for the others to help them. Am I right?  
So get your act together. Don't be a burden anymore. _

"No," he pressed out in anguish, hot tears burning in his eyes, but he blinked them away.  
_That's good, Taeyong. Better not cry before the day has even started._  
He needed to get up, to leave this room, to clear his head, to escape the voice, he needed someone near him, _anyone_ would do for now.

__

While Taeyong struggled to free himself from his blanket - someone had rolled him up so tightly while he had been fast asleep that he was now a human burrito - he heard a faint knock at his door. His head shot up.  
Taeyong immediately cleared his throat and let out a pitiful, tinny moan as his throat hurt in the process. Hastily, he ran his fingers through his tangled, slightly greasy hair and pushed himself into an upright position.

__

"I'm up, come on in," Taeyong said hoarsely, forcing a kind smile to his lips, but his eyes still bleary.  
“It's me, hyung. I brought you some breakfast.” He immediately recognized Jaehyun's voice.  
In the next moment, someone pushed the doorhandle and Jaehyun stuck his head through before sliding the rest of his tall body into the room. In his hands he carried a tray on which all sorts of seductively fragrant dishes were gathered. Tayeong's stomach began to growl loudly at the sight - and smell.

__

"Your breakfast has arrived!" Jaehyun announced with a broad, reassuring smile, his voice calm and low.  
Taeyong's face lit up for a moment as his friend sat down on the edge of his bed.  
"I don't remember ordering anything, but now that it's here… I guess I can't refuse anymore, huh," he replied quietly, the words echoing hollowly in his mind, hoping Jaehyun would not notice how weak he sounded.  
Jaehyun laughed softly, small endearing dimples appearing in his cheeks. Taeyong had to pull himself together not to playfully pinch the other's cheek.  
_Not today_ , he said to himself.  
"That's right. You have no choice, hyung."  
Jaehyun settled down beside him, placed the tray on his own thighs first and glanced at Taeyong, concern in his eyes, maybe even a trace of fear, but that could also be Taeyong's imagination which was playing a trick on him, because the next moment it was already gone.

__

"How are you feeling today? Were you able to get some sleep?" Jaehyun asked with his soft, dark velvet voice as he lightly touched Taeyong's forehead with the back of his hand.  
Taeyong's skin was no longer as burning hot as it had been yesterday. Jaehyun released a sigh of relief.  
"Yes, thank you. I feel much better. But I overslept, are the others awake already? Today is our day off, we should use it to do some cleaning, I still have to do the laundry and…" Taeyong started to rattle off his personal to-do list when Jaehyun gently grabbed his arm and pulled him out of his trance.  
"Taeyong-hyung. Stop that, please. Have you already forgotten what happened yesterday?"  
Taeyong froze, from one moment to the next he felt terribly cold.  
"I…" he began, tightly wrapping his arms around his own body, he dared not look at Jaehyun. "I don't want to talk about it just yet. I know I have some explaining to do, but..."  
And again Jaehyun had to interrupt him, his voice soft and comforting.  
"It's okay. It was just me and Johnny who saw you yesterday, the others were still outside at the restaurant," he explained, Taeyong's gaze darting to him. A weary smile appeared on Jaehyun's face.  
"You gave us quite a scare there, Lee Taeyong. I don't think I've ever seen Johnny being this upset and frightened before. I hope this won't happen a second time, his heart wouldn't take it and I was worried seeing you there, lying unconscious on the floor."  
"I'm sorry. It's nothing serious, I simply misjudged the situation, I thought it wouldn't be that bad. I was an idiot. You know, I rarely make a mistake twice, right?" Taeyong replied in a shaky voice and put a hand on Jaehyun's shoulder.  
“Thank you for your help. Really, I mean it. Thank you." 

__

And again, Jaehyun had to sigh heavily, intertwining his fingers in his lap. The glass of orange juice on the tray tipped dangerously to the side for a moment. Reaching for it quickly, Taeyong managed to rescue it in time. He was the leader after all. Helping someone was his job, even if it was only a glass full of orange juice.  
"If you really want to thank someone, it’s Johnny. He was the one who had a bad feeling about leaving you behind. I just accompanied him because I wasn't very hungry and actually pretty tired," Jaehyun explained, pressing a spoon into Taeyong's hand. "But we can deal with that later, all in due course. At least the worst is over. And the food rather not get cold, it took some nerve for us to cook you something delicious, so eat up."  
Taeyong stared at the prepared dishes absent-mindedly as Jaehyun slid the tray onto his lap.  
"Doyoung immediately made you his best korean omelet when he heard you weren't feeling well and Haechan had to leave his personal signature of course. You know how much our youngest looks up to you," Jaehyun said, pointing to the perfectly fried omelet on the plate. 

__

Surprised, Taeyong looked at the rather badly painted ketchup heart on top of his omelet; nevertheless, he appreciated the effort.  
Underneath was written the message: _Get well soon Taeyong-hyung! Greetings and kisses from us all._

__

Taeyong loved these little gestures of affection, he always made sure to returning them a hundredfold when he had the chance and time to do so.

__

He felt as if he would burst into tears the very next moment, but held them back.  
Haechan's little act of love warmed his chest, drove the cold away and a grateful smile came to his lips.

__

Just as he was about to take a first bite, a mop of brown hair peeked through his door. Taeyong couldn't help but chuckle softly.  
"It's delicious, well done," he praised Haechan, who had appeared at his doorstep impatiently with a broad grin.  
"What else could be expected from this master chef right in front of you!" Haechan said, his chest swelling with pride, and from somewhere a loud protest could be heard from Doyoung, that actually _he_ was the one who deserved the most praise.

__

Before Taeyong knew it, he had a lap full of Haechan, the younger one affectionately wrapping his arms around his shoulders and watching him eat the rest of his breakfast; Haechan kept on babbling about some unimportant events that had happened in the past few days. Taeyong was grateful for that, it kept his own gloomy thoughts away for the moment. 

__

Lured by the noise, Johnny finally appeared, a warm smile spreading across his face as he saw the peaceful gathering of the members. His lips were silently forming a sentence, directed at Taeyong, who acknowledged it with a smile when he met his boyfriends eyes. Eyes full of warmth, love, affection. Yes, all seemed to be well again, even if Johnny looked like he didn't trust this sudden peace just yet. 

__

_"I hope you realize now how much they love you, Taeyong. They really really love and appreciate and care for you."_

__


	7. Mark got the ball rolling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe it's all Marks fault. If he hadn't gone shopping with Taeyong, maybe everything would have turned out well. 
> 
> or
> 
> Mark breaks someone else's phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English is not my native language, there might be a lot of mistakes, feedback is always welcome and highly appreciated. Enjoy!
> 
> (special thanks goes to the one and only bek I have in this world)

#### POV: Mark

#### 

* * *

Peace didn’t last for long.  
But this time it was Mark who realized that Taeyong's life was by no means easy. 

_Maybe that was the beginning of the end.  
Maybe Taeyong would not have collapsed right before our eyes if all this had not happened.  
Maybe in the end Mark was to blame for everything, for he was the trigger of a series of bad events. _

Who knows. Maybe, maybe not. 

~

 **M** ark enjoyed going shopping, he really did.

However, it greatly depended on who _exactly_ he went shopping with.  
And today's choice of sidekick was a tad, well, let's say _unfortunate_. Yeah, unfortunate captured their situation pretty well. 

Right in front of his eyes Taeyong was working his way through a stack of shirts. He was quite a sight: sparkling eyes, drop-dead gorgeous smile playing on his lips, enjoying their trip to the fullest. He looked like a freaking toddler in a candy store who had to touch absolutely everything and anything and would no longer pay attention to his own mother.  
Not that Mark thought of himself as Taeyong's mother but he had started feeling that way and was getting just as desperate. Still, he couldn't bring himself to ask Taeyong for a short break; it was fun seeing Taeyong being so cheerful and carefree for once. Johnny wasn't the only one who treasured Taeyong's heart. This guy was cute. This guy had been working too much lately. 

Mark's gaze shifted towards the person that was the unluckiest amongst them. Doyoung. His beautiful voice wouldn't help the vocalist to end his misery. _Nope. Sorry dude_ , Mark thought.

Poor Doyoung stood next to Taeyong, carrying a rough estimate of twenty shopping bags in his hands. Probably more if one would ask for Mark's opinion, but he felt as if his opinion didn’t really matter to anyone anymore. Doyoung's gaze was staring blankly far into the distance, at no point particular, as if he had already traded his soul to the devil in department store number seven. Or number eight. Or number nine. Or number ten.  
As for Taeyong, he showed no mercy.  
As for Mark, he showed no mercy either.

_One should have thought that Taeyong would be the one causing the trouble that would soon wash over them like a powerful wave._

_Unfortunately, fate had other plans and Mark was the lead actor.  
It goes without saying that he had not volunteered for this. _

~

Taeyong had just begun to examine the next object of his desire, a red sweater, when a loud growl emerged from Mark's stomach and Doyoung threw him a desperate look, a silent plea in his eyes.  
_Okay, brother. I got this, let me handle it_ , Mark sent a secret message back and was about to make his way to Taeyong when he suddenly bumped into someone.  
He quickly mumbled an apology, thought nothing more of it, and was about to continue on his way when he was roughly grabbed by the arm.  
Taken by surprise, he froze. 

"Well, excuse me?" Mark said, raising an eyebrow at the older man who looked at him furiously. Oh _wow_. He had a bad feeling about this. Even worse than the feeling the other members must have when he stood in the kitchen all by himself. 

"Got no eyes in your head, you little bastard?" the man shouted in his face a second later, his words accompanied by a generous amount of spit.  
Mark held back another apology and was staring speechlessly at the person in front of him. "Look what you've done. Son of a bitch."  
With that, the man was gesturing frantically at the floor. Mark's eyes followed the accusingly pointed finger, cursing silently: The other person's smartphone was lying right next to his feet, the screen completely cracked. 

All right, the man had every right to be upset. But to insult Mark like that? And the guy didn't even seem as if he wanted to calm down anytime soon, no, he got even more worked up over the whole thing.  
The fact that he was almost a head taller and a lot bulkier than the rather delicate Mark did not do the situation ANY good. 

Calmly raising his hands in a gesture of pacification, Mark took a step back.  
The man, however, immediately took another step towards him, leaving him no room to escape. Mark gulped.  
"Whoa, wait a minute, slow down, big guy," Mark stuttered and was about to bend down for the smartphone when a hand grabbed his wrist. There was a stab of fear in Mark's stomach and he quickly peeked over his shoulder. No one was watching them. Yet.  
But they were still out in public, everyone could see them right now. He had to make sure to resolve this incident without attracting unwanted attention.

 _Okay Mark, just breathe and focus. Breathe and focus. You've learned how to deal with such a situation_ , he said to himself as Doyoung's eyes landed on him. The vocalist saw the silent cry for help in Mark's eyes, placed the bags down and approached them.  
"Is there anything I can help you with? What happened?" Doyoung asked cautiously, shooting Mark a sideways glance while folding his arms over his chest.  
"This kid here crushed my phone. So, tell me, how do I call the chick I was going to hook up with today? I want to be compensated for the damage right now," the man demanded, unzipping his leather jacket to get some cold air to his anger-reddened neck.  
"Fair enough. We don't have to make a big fuss about it. Let me make a quick phone call and we'll figure everything else out..." Mark made an attempt to come to an agreement but the man was not very cooperative.  
"Give me some cash, now, so I can buy a new one and we'll call it even. You got that? You don't look like you're a poor slob." While it sounded like a question, in reality it wasn't. 

The man had raised his voice and two young teenage girls in the next aisle were sneaking glances at them. One of them was holding up her smartphone in a suspicious angle. Oh, okay, shit, this was definitely not going well.  
Mark could already hear the headlines ringing in his ears, Doyoung was also growing more anxious by the minute.  
"I'm sorry, but I can't do that. It won't take long, I'll be as quick as I can," Mark assured but the man cut him off.  
"So, hand me _your_ phone." The man demandingly held his hand out.  
"What?" Mark asked in bewilderment.  
"Looks new to me. Pass it to over and I'll soon forget the whole thing."  
"You really ... _can't_ do that."  
" _You_ owe _me_."  
"But that doesn't mean..."  
Suddenly the man grabbed Mark by the collar and pulled him close, his dark eyes flashing dangerously.  
Mark was already about to open his mouth to call out for help when a calm but forceful voice cut through the sudden silence.  
"Is there a problem?"  
Taeyong.  
A sense of relief flooded through Mark's body. 

However, he was not willing to pass the responsibility of handling this on to someone else, as he was the one who had caused this mess in the first place. But, you know, it just seemed like...

Taeyong gave him a knowing look, a faint smile curling the corners of his mouth.  
_It's all right Mark, I'll take it from here, no big deal._

And Taeyong was a man of his word.

_But he was wrong about one thing. Well, depending on one' s point of view. As for Mark, his view in that very right moment was somewhat ... not too thrilling.  
Right now it wasn't a big deal, yes, but soon it would be the one thing that got the ball rolling. Downhill._


	8. it never rains but it pours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taeyong has to take responsibility for what has happened. Also, alcohol is being wasted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English is not my native language, there might be a lot of mistakes and some things may sound a bit strange, sorry for that.  
> Feedback is always welcome and highly appreciated. Enjoy!
> 
> (special thanks goes to the one and only bek I have in this world)

#### POV: Taeyong

#### 

* * *

Taeyong couldn't remember when he had last been slapped right in the face a whopping two times within 24 hours. It must have been quite a while; today must have been his lucky day as he was getting an _amazing_ amount of attention. 

The slap dealt by his manager, however, was much more delicate and precise than the one by the man at the mall. Kind of like a boxer who used his punching bag to blow off some steam, but didn't neglect the proper technique while doing so.

The first one had been quite acceptable, since it had served a good cause.  
It was the second one that was a heavy blow to his pride and made him feel humiliated, left a bitter taste on his tongue.

From a physical point of view, they hurt equally.

~

"You useless piece of trash." 

_Is it now common practice to talk to others in such a disrespectful way_ , Taeyong thought. He nearly laughed out loud, so absurd was the situation he had found himself in. Like they had switched roles.  
Wasn't Taeyong supposed to be the rebellious youth and his manager the mature one? _You'd wish._

"I have done nothing wrong," Taeyong replied, determined and controlled. He spoke in a low voice, almost a whisper. He hated himself for not actually believing in his own words at the very moment. His right cheek burned where he had been hit, the imprint of his manager's fingers still a flaming hot red on his light skin. 

The icy glare of his manager hit him like a bullet and sent chills down his spine. Meanwhile, the man in front of him burst out laughing, let out a bitter chuckle and violently slammed his fists onto the desk in front of him. Taeyong didn't flinch.  
He fell silent again and Taeyong could feel his heartbeat speeding up in his chest. 

A stack of loose documents fluttered into the air, scattering all over the floor and Taeyong's feet.  
Seemingly unimpressed by this outburst of rage, Taeyong sat there as if he was a sculpture made of pure white marble, staring straight ahead at the wall behind his manager's shoulder.  
This situation was reason enough for his body to break into cold sweat.

"Lee Taeyong,“ the man slowly began to speak „are you happy now? Once again your name has been put on the cover of every single fucking news page and magazine cover. There you go getting all the attention, the spotlight's on you all over again for goodness' sake. That's all you ever crave you little self-absorbed egotist, ain't I right?"

At that point, Taeyong knew his manager didn't expect an answer, the discussion was utterly pointless.  
So he kept silent and his thoughts remained unspoken. 

_It's fortunate that I was the one who got hit and not Mark. It was worth it._ After all, it was this very fact that gave him the strength to endure and brave through this verbal abuse. _The others are safe and sound, that's all that matters right now. You did well._

Taeyong already knew what was about to come and tried to get a grip on himself so that he wouldn't panic and bolt out of this room. It would be over soon, he just had to hang in there for a little while longer.  
Yet, a thunderstorm was just starting to form right above Taeyong's head. 

Angrily, his manager reached for a bottle of expensive whiskey and filled the fancy looking glass next to it halfway up. He then downed the liquid in one gulp and slammed the glass back down onto the table.  
As the manager's cheeks turned red from the alcohol, highlighting the white in his eyes, Taeyong found himself growing more and more nervous.

"Can you give a description of the girls who filmed you?"  
"I'm afraid not." Taeyong narrowed his eyes.  
Again, the manager laughed tauntingly; his eyes lacked any warmth. It had been like that from the very beginning.  
"Yes, of course you can't. But I can help you with your memories if you ask me _politely_."

Taeyong glanced to the side and pressed his lips tightly shut. When he answered after a moment of reluctance, he felt suffocated by his own words. They had played this game too many times in the past, and he knew how to follow the rules. Even if they had never been spoken out loud. Obediently he gave a slight nod, still refusing to face the other man. He felt disgusted with his own behavior.  


"Help me out a bit. Please."

"Good boy. That's the right choice. Behave yourself, will you?"  
"I..." Taeyong began to speak, but his body immediately stiffened as he noticed the man filling his whiskey glass a second time, this time to the brim; shortly after that making his way around the table. Tayeong just wanted to disappear into thin air, because he knew. He _knew_

__

His manager was looming over him, looking just like the chief executioner he was.  
"I promised to help you, so here goes your reward. Taste the outcome of your hard work."

__

With that, he poured the entire contents of the glass all over Taeyong's head, giving him a whiskey shower for free.

__

The cold liquid wet his hair, soaked his shirt and ran down his cheeks until it dripped from his chin. The alcohol stung in his eyes as he closed them. His body shivered. 

__

Taeyong simply sat there, unmoving, unblinking, hoping that his manager would soon get tired of him and finally let him go. As if he had heard his plea, the man turned away and the faint breeze this sudden movement caused gave Taeyong slight goosebumps. 

__

"Look at you, suddenly getting all tame and submissive at the mere mention of your friends. So it is true, barking dogs seldom bite," the manager said with a scornful snort.

__

Taeyong took a breath, held it. Released. Shame and anger were compressing his chest. However, his hands were tied. 

__

_You must push through that for now, it's for the best if only one of us takes responsibility._  
Now the cold, sticky, sweet liquid began to trickle down his entire back, all the way to the waistband of his pants. 

__

His manager stepped up to the tall window. Looking out to the fading light over the city, he clasped his hands behind his back and continued talking as if all this might just be a happy tea party.  
"Work hard, Taeyong. And if you do, work _even harder_. I heard you all haven't visited your families in quite a while. It won't be beneficial to the group's morale if they have to wait even longer because your pride refused to listen to my advice. Besides, you certainly don't want us to expose your nasty relationship with one of your members to the public. Do you? That would be the end of you for sure, would probably even disband NCT. Johnny has struggled and suffered for a long time in order to finally make his debut. We all know that he is not a particularly talented dancer or singer. Even as a rapper he's inferior. He only owes it to the fact that he speaks fluent English and has a good heart. But how would he feel if he finds out that the person he loves the most is at the same time the one who ruined his career? He is standing in your shadow, day and night. Envy can get ugly, Taeyong. You foolish, foolish boy."

__

Johnny. No, he could under no circumstances lose Johnny as he was the one who had been the duct-tape mending and holding all the shattered pieces of his heart. He needed Johnny like a lone wolf needed the bright moon shining down from above, more brilliant than the sun, and with it clearing every trace of darkness away. 

__

Taeyong feared he might throw up any minute now, his hands cramped into the armrests of the chair, desperate for support. He felt sick and empty, the man's words barely getting through to him. The only sound Taeyong was listening to was the steady drip of whiskey droplets sliding from the tips of his wet hair, hitting the slippery dark floor, along with his heartbeat which throbbed in his ears.  
_Thump. Thump. Thump._  
It sent him spiraling into a trance.  
Why exactly was he here again?

"Thank God you still have fans who absolutely adore and worship you. But we'll have to wait and see for how much longer that will last. All peace comes at a price."

Taeyong was unable to fight back. The last time he had tried, it had resulted in a total failure.  
They were only words. He was able to cope with it. Later, he would tell the others some sort of lie, smiling cheerfully. Yeah, that sure sounded good. Eventually, he would come up with a plan, but for the time being, peace and quiet had to be restored. 

**Peace comes at a price.**

Taeyong smiled and felt himself being swept deeper down into the dark.

Yet, he smiled. He always did. 

__

__

_So, what exactly had happened? Only Mark and Doyoung know the answer to that._

__


	9. a cupcake is a cupcake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taeyong arrives at home and the others are already waiting for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English is not my native language, there might be a lot of mistakes and some things may sound a bit strange, sorry for that.  
> Feedback is always welcome and highly appreciated. Enjoy!
> 
> (special thanks goes to the one and only bek I have in this world)

#### POV: mostly Johnny, Haechan and Taeyong, kinda mixed up

#### 

* * *

_At almost two in the morning, Taeyong still hadn’t returned, had he answered neither our calls nor our text messages._

_Mark had told us about what had happened during the shopping tour before we heard about it through other channels. As a result, several NCT members were now gathered in the living room, waiting for their leader to return._

~

Johnny had been nervously pacing around like a tiger in a cage for quite some time; Taeil, Ten, Mark and Jaehyun exchanged a few words now and then, only to fall silent again for what seemed like an eternity.

Jungwoo had already disappeared for half an hour, as he had caught a slight cold the day before and needed some extra rest, the youngest among them was starting to get a little impatient and shifted restlessly on the couch and only stopped to put chunks of chocolate into Doyoung's mouth, who was playing Candy Crush on his phone.  
Doyoung had just completed level 77 when Haechan started talking.

"No news is good news, right?" Haechan tried to lighten up the mood but was shushed by seven pairs of gloomy eyes and shaking heads within seconds.  
"You haven't checked the internet today then? Do you live in a cave?" Ten's deadpan response came in an instant.  
Yuta quickly shoved some chocolate into Haechan's mouth and gave him an encouraging smile as well as a pat on his back.  
"Cheer up kiddo," he said.  
Kind words of comfort were unusual for him, so Haechan looked up at him in surprise, but said nothing return. He felt like crying.  
With his cheeks stuffed, the maknae began to chew slowly, pouting and staring at the floor.  
There was still a stain on the carpet where he had lost a piece of kimchi earlier. By accident, of course. He should clean it up before Taeyong returned home. Taeyong didn't like dirt. Dust was Taeyong's nemesis, he shouldn't upset Taeyong even more tonight. Still, he couldn't bring himself to stand up and break the uncomfortable silence. He was scared.  
Something like this had never happened before, and he didn't know at all how to act.

"We’re all a little on edge, but it’s not a situation that’s all that surprising. Things like this can happen at any time, and it's part of our job to deal with it decently. We know that. For Taeyong, unfortunately, it's not the first time either," Ten said in a more gentle tone. 

"Stop looking at that already, for fuck's sake!" Johnny snapped suddenly, snatching the cellphone out of Taeil's hand.  
He locked the screen that was showing a video of how the man from the mall was just about to raise his hand in order to hit Mark across the face as well as Taeyong throwing himself protectively in front of Mark a second later.

"I was just reading through the comments," Taeil defended himself, looking slightly annoyed, and got up from the couch.  
"So tell me, what good is that now?"  
"I just want to be prepared.”  
"You wanna suffer in his place then? We all know what Taeyong is like,” Johnny said sharply, his eyebrows furrowed in anger. “He will look through all these comments sooner or later, even if we tell him not to." He lowered his voice and paused for a brief moment " Even if he _promises_ us he won’t. He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight on his huge pillow, all alone in his room, and the one thing I can't stand about him, as much as I lov-... _like_ him, is that he will never admit it. I hate it."  
"Too late to be shy now Johnny," a voice came from somewhere behind him.  
Johnny sighed. "All I'm saying is that..."

"... _that what_?"

Everyone froze. 

Taeyong was casually leaning against the door frame, his arms folded in front of his chest, a weary smile forming on his lips. But Haechan noticed that Taeyong's strong dark eyes seemed distant and blank.

Taeyong took off his beanie and ran his long, slender fingers through the dark strands of silky hair.  
Looking at the other members, he appeared to be kind of relieved - as if the danger had passed. Their leader closed his eyes for a second, letting out a slow, controlled breath.

“Taeyong, we were worried sick about you! Where have you been all this time? Why haven't you called us back? What did the manager say?“ Ten demanded and sat up in his chair.

Taeyong shook his head at him, then he grimaced and shrugged in his direction. “One thing at a time. My battery died, and I didn't have the charger with me. What's everyone doing here?“ He gestured around the room.  
“We've been waiting for you, hyung,“ Jaeyhun answered calmly. “Have you eaten yet? We ordered you some delicious food and Haechan even bought your favorite strawberry cupcakes for you, please have some.”

"Yeah, but I almost tripped over a cute dog and now my handprint is all over the buttercream topping, I hope you don't mind," Haechan added, trying to joke and looking at Taeyong with big eyes. But Taeyong was not really listening to what he was saying. His gaze drifted to Mark and Doyoung.  


_We still haven't been able to delete all of the footage from the Internet, and too many people have already seen and downloaded it. The shitstorm is just about to start. Taeyong, people even suspect that the man is someone you used to bully. Do you understand the extent of what happened? How do you want me to save you this time?_

_We can't let Mark take the blame. Look, he is the most talented rapper in our whole company. We can't risk losing him. Do you understand?_

Mark raised his head and they locked eyes. He began to speak in a low voice, so faint that he could barely be heared.

"I'm so sorry for what happened, Taeyong."

"Doesn't it smell kind of funny in here?" Haechan suddenly asked, not having heard Mark starting to speak. He wrinkled his nose, clearly confused. Johnny noticed it as well, the sweet strong scent lingered heavily in the air. His mind grew suspicious and he frowned.

"Please Taeyong. Tell us what exactly happened. Did you guys go out for some drinks or why is it that you smell like you've just taken a long nice bath in booze?" Yuta asked.

"Or did you have a drink by yourself? You really shouldn't do that," Taeil chimed in. Meanwhile, Mark and Doyoung meanwhile remained silent, their heads down.

"No, of course I didn't, it was a minor accident, I bumped into someone, and he ruined my shirt," Taeyong defended himself, looking a bit hurt.  


"Okay, I'm sorry, that was a dumb thing to say. I am just worried." Taeil paled and then turned red with embarrassment.

"It's fine, don't bother. Listen to me," Taeyong said and forced a smile. "It was nothing, really. Can we leave it alone for now? I am tired, we'll discuss it tomorrow."

Johnny scowled softly and took a step towards Taeyong. Their eyes met.  
As if a silent message was hovering between them, the room instantly fell silent. 

Taeyong saw his own reflection in Johnny's dark eyes and managed a weak, confused smile. Johnny's eyes looked at him very tenderly, full of compassion. Taeyong's were filled with guilt. 

_He smiles, but at the same time looks so sad, worried, angry, and lonely. What can i do to make it easier for him?_ Johnny thought.

A single eyelash had dropped onto Johnny's cheek and Taeyong was about to reach out to wipe it away when he suddenly stopped. 

His manager's voice echoed grimly and terrifyingly through his head.

_...but how would he feel if he finds out that the person he loves the most is at the same time the one who ruined his career? He is standing in your shadow, day and night._

Taeyong's hand dropped. 

He was bound and gagged, and could now see the confusion in Johnny's eyes as he if had just been rejected.

Taeyong didn't know who he was hurting more by doing that - himself or the tall, kind-hearted man in front of him. 

But for now, he had to stay away from Johnny. 

For Johnny's sake.


	10. even if you don't know what you've lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Johnny is there to support Taeyong. Night and day.
> 
> He is not in Taeyong's shadow, for he is Taeyong's light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English is not my native language, there might be a lot of mistakes and some things may sound a bit strange, sorry for that.  
> Feedback is always welcome and highly appreciated. Enjoy!
> 
> (special thanks goes to the one and only bek I have in this world)

#### POV: Taeyong

#### 

* * *

_Daydreaming is seeing what you want without closing your eyes._

In his dreams, Taeyong was happy and often laughed.

In his dreams, Taeyong was miserable and often drowned.

_Lately though, his dreams had been haunted by many temptations._

In his dreams, Johnny handed him his coffee in the morning and kissed him goodbye.  


In his dreams, Johnny placed a hand on his cheek and Taeyong calmed down when he saw his beautiful smile.  


He could feel the hot breath of the taller man on his neck and his skin reached for his touch.  


Johnny just touching him gave him a sense of normality, home.

He really missed it.

~

**bangtangirl16** : _LOL he is so fake, guess it was bound to happen, as much as sm favors him. at least now we know his true colors. nct's songs suck anyway_

 **cucumberlord** : _hope he will be on hiatus for a while and the other members get more lines in their songs hahahaha poor johnnyboi and winwin getting like 2% of them why are they even a part of nct_

 **undertakerkitty** : _the only right thing for him to do is to leave the group_

 **hoshisbooty8** : _fuck ty antis !!_

 **hyesushiiitake** : _it shows how he actually behaves in real life ... he was raised that way. That’s why he behaves like that hahaha he doesn’t care AT ALL about what other people think of him. he has no brain_

 **yuterminator3** : _im not even asking you to adore him, just don’t leave any hate comments_

 **workitworkitxoxo** : _how has Taeyong endured all of that for years? when I saw him once walking out crying I swear my heart was being ripped into two  
:(((( I just feel sorry for him_

~

Taeyong stood at the half-open window, clutching his phone, hands trembling.  


He then looked up into the night sky as the stars silently shone down on him; watched the sea of lights of the city.

 _I shouldn't be just standing here. I have to do something productive_ , he thought as the first spicy scents of autumn stirred the air.  
When something like this happened, he would forget about the cold and everything around him.

 _Time to swim_ , he told himself.  
He would not let these hate comments drag him to the deep.  
Lee Taeyong _worked_ and never, _never_ leaned back to rest on his success.  
So why on earth did a single hot tear roll down his cheek now? He briskly wiped it away with the sleeve of his hoodie and took a deep breath. 

Forcing himself to turn away from the window, he collapsed onto the bed with an exhausted sigh, burying his face in the soft pillows. The hoodie he was wearing actually belonged to Johnny.  
Maybe it was childish. Maybe it was silly.  
But breathing in the familiar smell, he felt safe.  
As if a sweet and warm voice was telling him: _Welcome home Taeyong._

Someone knocked gently on the door, but Taeyong did not reach out to open it, he didn't say anything either.  


In this moment there was only silence.

He had already started to hope that the person on the other side of the door had left, when he heard a sweet and warm voice. This time, it was real.

"Taeyong. It's me. Will you please let me in? “

"Not right now. I need to think." Taeyong shook his head and curled himself up.

When he heared Johnny sighing softly, his heart grew anxious and heavy.

"I can imagine what the manager has told you. Don't take his words to heart. What he says is wrong, all of us can tell you that. And our words count more because we're your friends. Right? If you're worried that you're not good enough, remember how you once told me that our dance teacher described your dancing as hopeless when you started training. And now look at you, being one of NCT‘s main dancers and center. You should be proud of yourself. You did very well, baby."  


Taeyong could hear the fond smile in Johnny's voice. 

_Please just stop it, Johnny. Stop being so nice to me when I have no choice but hurting you right now._

Covering his ears Taeyong tried to shut out all of the noise, but failed.

"I know there's something you are not telling us. But please, you don't have to deal with it all by yourself. I will sit here and wait, all night if I have to, until you are ready. You can talk to me anytime. Okay?"  
Taeyong gave a weak nod, even though Johnny couldn't see it. After a long silence, Taeyong felt as if he should answer.  
"Yeah, thank you," he croaked in a hoarse, strained voice, unable to hold back the tears anymore.  


_I am grateful to you for being such a good friend._

"Didn't we promise each other back then when you confessed to me, already completely wasted after one beer, that you actually liked me a little bit too much? You even sneakily tried to kiss me. You totally caught me off guard at that moment - and at the same time made me incredibly happy. You and me against the world. That's what you told me right then." Johnny let out a soft laugh. "Pretty cheesy if you ask me, but you looked absolutely stunning saying it. How could I've said no to that? Sometimes I get the feeling that we may already have known each other in a previous life. It’s a nice thought, don’t you think?"

Taeyong closed his eyes and for a moment he thought he could see his incredible age - the millennia that weighted heavily on his shoulders.

There were so many words he wanted to say to Johnny. And yet he was unable to get a single one of them out. 

_I want you to hug me tight. I want you to stay close._

_I want to feel your warmth. I want to be with you, look at you._

_I want to be there when you're at your best. I want to be there when you're at your lowest._

_I want to see you smile. I want to see you cry._

_All I want is you._

Little did Johnny know, what the mere mention of alcohol did to Taeyong's soul.  
Even after a long hot shower, the smell of whiskey was ever-present. As if it had infiltrated every single cell of his body. Feeling truly disgusted with himself, Taeyong wanted to burn the smell off his skin. He wanted to forget. Forget everything that had happened to him today and yesterday. 

"I am staying right here, Taeyong. You don't have to be alone tonight. Are you cold? I can come in and warm you up if you want." Johnny paused for a moment and Taeyong heared him slump down to the floor on the other side of the door. "You know, even if you're sad, never say no to a cupcake. That brings bad luck. Haechan looked at us like a wet blanket when he told us what happened and how many toes he stepped on." 

Johnny knew that Taeyong was crying, so he continued talking. About cupcakes, about Haechan, about Yuta's new favorite book, about Mark's cap collection...

He did everything he could to keep the suffocating silence away from him.


	11. crimson blood on velvet skin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shortly before a performance everything seems to go wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English is not my native language, there might be a lot of mistakes and some things may sound a bit strange, sorry for that.  
> Feedback is always welcome and highly appreciated. Enjoy!
> 
> (special thanks goes to the one and only bek I have in this world)

#### POV: Jaehyun

#### 

* * *

**… one week later.**

_**"You've got about thirty minutes until it's your turn guys. Everyone, stand by."**_

"Mark what the heck happened to you? Your makeup is all messed up."

"I accidentally slept on my face and drooled a little." 

"You look like you fell into an entire swimming pool filled with drool." 

"Are there any shipwrecked people to rescue?" 

"You better hurry and get it fixed, you can' t go out looking like _that_."

"Yeah, shame on you tomato head."

"Bye Mark, see you later," the others bid him farewell in unison. 

"Did you know that tomatoes are actually fruit?"

"I hate fruit."

"By now, most people _know_ , Ten."

"And yet, there's Johnny standing less than a meter away, holding a banana."

"It's a very decent and respectful meter, fear not, young man." 

"I can still _smell_ it, old fart."

"Then stop breathing." 

"Johnny for president."

"Jesus, I would love to have a nice grilled steak right now." 

"Johnny is revealing more than enough skin today. I'll go with the vegetarian option - where’s Mark? But let's be honest, soon they won't even give him any pants. I mean, does fan service _ever_ reach a critical point?"

"I'm sure _Taeyong_ won't mind."

"Oh, is Johnny blushing?" 

"Aww, look at that cute puppy."

"His six-pack doesn't do much for his bad boy image though."

"Let me touch it."

"I bet the camera will capture more of _that_ than his face."

"I'm sure _Taeyong_ won't mind."

"More screen time for tomato head, then." 

"Don't mention this type of fruit in my saintly presence ever again. You’re a little pain in the ass."

"Ten, ya sensitive fruit virgin."

"Didn't you order peach-scented shampoo the other day, Ten? Was it all just a big fat lie?"

"Invading my privacy as usual, I see." 

"Even though he's small, he's still taller than you, Ten." 

"Guys. Cut it out," Johnny tried to calm the other members down.

Jaehyun was sitting on a black couch as an innocent bystander, headphones on, nodding his head to the beat while trying to block out the loud, excited chatter of the other members.  
Even after all these years, everyone was still nervous right before a performance. Stage fright never completely disappeared, which was a good thing. It fired them up, boosted their energy. They were in dire need of the last one.

It was only a short appearance on a music show, they had to perform four songs, then they were already allowed to leave. No big deal, really.  
However, the previous night they had returned home very late after a photo shoot, so they were all a bit drained,fighting against fatigue.  
As a result, they talked even more nonsense than they normally would.

Jaehyun began to hum low and softly along to the lyrics of the song and was just about to close his eyes when Taeyong stepped into the room. He was dressed in his stage outfit: tight black leather pants and a matching velvet shirt; deep v-neckline revealing his fair skin, fashionable red accessories, unique golden choker, makeup and hair perfectly done.  
_Taeyong really is a sight for sore eyes_ , Jaehyun thought. However, his attitude towards Taeyong was entirely unbiased since the man who had stolen his heart years ago was sitting right on the opposite side of the room. Jaehyun had a crush on Johnny for longer than was good for him.  
  
Jaehyun was well aware of the fact that he didn't stand a chance; Johnny would never date him, especially since he already had Taeyong and Jaehyun definitely wasn't one to get involved in other people's relationships - but someone should get that message across to his pathetic, troubled heart.  
A little heartbreak never killed anyone. But having to see Johnny every day and always being reminded of the ' _what ifs_ ' hurt. 

The others didn't seem to notice Taeyong at first, but Jaehyun immediately straightened when he recognized that one, very specific look on Taeyong's face - something must have happened. Something Taeyong was deeply concerned about. 

Jaehyun quickly removed his headphones and studied their leader silently for a second. His glimpse brushed over the lean, slim body. And stopped. 

Taeyong's hand was bleeding - and he didn't even seem to be aware of it. He must have been so stressed out that he had bitten his fingernails like he always did in the past, hurting himself in the process.  
Blood dripped slowly, red and thick, from his fingertips onto the floor. A sense of foreboding overcame Jaehyun.

But just seconds before Jaehyun had a chance to act, Taeyong had already raised his voice. 

"Okay everybody, listen up. Team meeting, there's a change of plans. Gather around.”  
Surprised, all pairs of eyes darted towards their leader. Not wasting a minute, Taeyong kept on explaining.  
"I just sent Jungwoo home, his fever hasn't gone down at all, and I can't have him performing in that state, that would be irresponsible. Mark just had a small panic attack, but nothing too serious, he says he'll be fine, but I'm still really concerned. We have to split Jungwoo's parts, and we can't rearrange the choreo in the short time we have left. We have to deal with the fact that there is an empty spot in the formation, but ..."

The others didn't know what to say. They had concern written all over their faces, but most of them immediately nodded in agreement. 

"I'll go check on Mark," Doyoung decided, Taeil following suit. 

There was a minute of silence. Ten was the first to point out the obvious

"Taeyong, your hand..."

"Hmm, what about it?" Taeyong asked in confusion. He had obviously not expected such an answer and followed Ten's gaze to his hand, when they were suddenly interrupted by one of the staff members, who was gesturing with a phone in her hand.

"Your manager called, he wants to talk to Taeyong. It's very urgent, he says."

"Where is that gentleman, anyway?" Ten asked.

"He said he was still stuck in traffic and is running late."

Taeyong groaned. "Okay, give me a minute, I'll be right back."

Jaehyun exchanged worried glances with Johnny. He had a really bad feeling about this.


	12. I'm sorry - and thank you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taeyong decides to go against his manager.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English is not my native language, there might be a lot of mistakes and some things may sound a bit strange, sorry for that.  
> Feedback is always welcome and highly appreciated. Enjoy!
> 
> (special thanks goes to the one and only bek I have in this world)

#### POV: Taeyong

#### 

* * *

It wasn't good news. But Taeyong had been prepared - or so he thought. He had spent most of the last couple of nights thinking about the next steps he would need to take to calm the commotion. 

He'd wondered why his manager had refused to make a statement - up until now.  
Could it be that he had done so on purpose? Taeyong really didn't want to believe that was the case. But he knew too well how manipulative that man could be, and he knew that he took great pleasure in seeing him suffer, abusing his power and completely savoring the fact that he was pulling the strings at the other end.

Indeed, what his manager announced at that moment was something that had been long overdue. The storm had finally caught up with the calm.

With a discreet _thank you_ and a brief nod, Taeyong accepted a handkerchief, which an attentive staff member secretly handed him, and wiped the blood off his fingers, making his way to an empty room where he would be able to talk on the phone without any disturbance.

Wincing slightly as he rubbed over the fresh wounds, he clenched his teeth. He dialled the number he knew by heart and raised the phone up to his ears.  
He didn't have to wait long.

"I was told you wanted to have a word with me?" Taeyong asked, as someone picked up. All nervous, his cold fingers slid over his collarbone, pausing on the back of his tense neck. He lowered his gaze.

"Good thing I got to you in time, that makes it easier. I know this is rather sudden, but it was a last-minute decision. Taeyong, you won't be performing tonight. Stay backstage, keep a low profile at all costs. Is that clear?"

Taeyong was taken aback. His heart was beating rapidly in his chest and for a moment, he forgot how to breathe.

"E-Excuse me?" he finally stuttered, completely dumbfounded. "You can't be serious. But why? Because of what happened? But you could have told me sooner ..."

"Taeyong. We'll sort out your questions in private later, understood?"

"No, no it’s _you_ who doesn’t understand, I _have_ to perform. Jungwoo is in no condition to perform, he is far too sick, and I still don't know if Mark will be able to get on stage, right now he is not feeling well. They _need_ me. We can't perform our songs with three members missing, it would be a joke," Taeyong replied, anger beginning to boil in his veins. Agitated, he pushed his hair back and began to pace up and down. "Sorry but I can't do what you ask of me."

"Stop it already with your special treatment. We can't cancel the show."

"Listen to me just once. _Please_."

"This won't do, Taeyong. Be reasonable and stop pissing me off any further. Look, I don't have to listen to this."

"I'm not trying to upset you, I'm trying to save face."

"If your fans see _you_ of all people, you're certainly not going to save a single fucking thing. _I_ am the one going to save all of your asses with _my_ decisions and _my_ word is law."

"I don't really understand why this is hap-..." 

The manager immediately cut him off.

"Didn't you already figure that out by now? Learn from your mistakes. Stop going to your appointments. Regardless of whether the others were having a hard time or not. If you were clever enough, you would have suggested it yourself."

"If I had withdrawn from our schedules immediately, we would have only given in to the haters. I didn't do anything wrong. I asked you several times to discuss this in detail,- but you always put me on hold."

"ENOUGH! You're _NOT_ going to perform today. Tell Mark to snap out of it, he's got all day tomorrow to take care of his stupid little issues. Tell him to stop making such a fuss."

"If he collapses on stage we're heading right into the next scandal."

"I have complete trust in Mark, _he_ has never let me down. Be an example to your group and listen to my advice. You still seem to have excess energy talking to me with that attitude of yours. We'll get that sorted out, too. Tomorrow the first practice for your comeback song starts, come in two hours early."

With that, his manager hung up. Taeyong stared at the now mute phone in his hand, still in a state of disbelief. 

Had this really happened? 

Taeyong was about to slam his fist into the nearest wall when he saw blood already staining his fingers. He couldn't let himself get hurt any further. Not now, when everything had turned out to be so serious.

 _I can't do it. I simply can't_ , he thought with a grim smile, rubbing his stinging eyes. Did his honest opinion as NCT's leader really count for so little, dammit? Was he in the wrong? Had all of this been his fault?  
He struggled with his conscience for a lengthy moment, until he bit down on his bottom lip. No, no he certainly wasn't wrong. If he simply wouldn't appear on stage without a propper statement from management in advance, new rumors would begin to spread. Especially when Jungwoo and Mark were missing. Their situation was not as bad as their manager wanted to make them believe. 

As he looked up, his gaze unbending and resolute, he heard Johnny's voice in his head, something his friend had said to him a long time ago when Taeyong had been completely absorbed in his work.  


_I like the fire in your eyes. You're great, I really admire you, love. I'm a lucky man to have met a person like you and to be able to work with you._

He sighted. It couldn't go on like this. They all deserved to be treated with respect. _All_ of them, without exception - and he would keep fighting.  
He had a responsibility as a leader and there would be no better time to prove it than right now, when he had to protect the others.

Taeyong was determined not to listen to his manager's orders. He would go out there right now and fucking dance, sing, and rap, flawlessly as always, and try his hardest to close the blank spot left by their sick members.  
It was the only right thing to do, after that he could still lie low for a while. 

He clenched his hands into tight fists until they started shaking.  
Who could stop him?  
Right. _No one_.

It was only then that he noticed that someone had approached.

"Taeyong?"

Startled, Taeyong flinched and spun around. He breathed a deep sight of relief when he saw who was standing behind him. Another sigh escaped his lips and he made himself smile, but it was miserable.

"What did he want? Bad news?"

Taeyong simply shrugged and moved a few steps closer to Johnny before reaching out and adjusting Johnny's jacket, which revealed more of the singer's honey-golden skin than Taeyong would have approved of.  
Johnny didn't mind, though; he was proud of his body. He worked hard to maintain his toned physique and his dedication paid off. Still, Taeyong frowned at the fact that so many eyes were focused on his boyfriend - a ridiculous jealousy, considering what kind of job the two of them shared, but the very thought that he alone held the privilege of actually being able to touch him wherever he wanted gave him a certain degree of satisfaction.  


"Everything's good. We're supposed to go on without Jungwoo, even without Mark if we have to."

_Well done, Taeyong. You just lied to the one person who would help you out anytime._

"You're sure? Your face says otherwise," Johnny countered, his eyes narrowing. He gently cupped Taeyong's cheeks in his hands, made him meet his gaze.

Taeyong closed his eyes and took a breath, allowing himself to lean into Johnny's touch a little. "I'm sure," he insisted and opened his eyes to look up to Johnny. "We better get going, we've lost enough time already. How is Mark holding up? Is he ready to go? We can..."

He was about to move past Johnny, heading towards the door, when Johnny grabbed him by the wrist and held him back.

"Taeyong baby. Relax. It's going to be okay, we can work this out." He then brought Taeyong's injured hand to his lips and planted a sweet kiss on his palm. "First, we'll take care of _you_. You're hurt."

Johnny then slipped a hand on the nape of Taeyong's neck, pulled him closer and leaned in for another quick kiss on the right corner of Taeyong's mouth. Johnny smiled, gently running his thumb over Taeyongs cheekbone.

_Did you notice the way his eyes light up when he smiles? I love it, it's beautiful._

"The others are taking care of Mark. I'll take care of you. Please let me do at least that for you. Come with me." Johnny's arms wrapped around his shoulders and he guided him back outside until he pulled someone from the staff over and asked for a bandage. Next, he left Taeyong standing to look for the stylist, who fortunately had a pair of leather gloves that Taeyong could put on to cover the wounds.

Satisfied with his work, Johnny shamelessly eyed Taeyong from top to bottom and finally gave a nod of approval before resting his hands on Taeyong's shoulders, bending down to his ear. His hot breath tickled Taeyong's cheek, and he felt the tips of his ears turn red. Taeyong placed a hand on Johnny's bare chest, tried to shove him away, and gave him a warning glare - _watch what you're doing here, Johnny Suh_ \- but the taller man refused to back down even an inch.  
Meanwhile, Johnny quietly paused to get a close look at Taeyong's face.  
Taeyong would love to lean against Johnny's chest, close his eyes, and listen to his heartbeat. Listening to him softly humming a song, Taeyong would allow himself to drift off into the realm of dreams.  
Taeyong's fingertips started to tingle, and he felt a slight rush of heat in his stomach area.  
Now, that was getting risky.  
Luckily, they were the only ones left in the waiting room, the others had already gone backstage to get ready. 

"I love you, Taeyong. We've shared so much, good and bad. And when things were at their worst, I knew we would be there for each other. Nothing will change that." He paused for a brief moment. "Oh damn, I'm seriously going to have a hard time out there trying to pull myself together and not stare at you _too_ obviously. No fair."  
_Look who's talking_ , Taeyong thought.

Johnny’s grin grew even broader, his voice softer. "I love you," he repeated calmly.

Then he intertwined his fingers with Taeyong's and flashed him a warm smile. 

"Meanwhile, there's you, looking like a whole _main dish_ ,” Taeyong replied and laughed awkwardly. His smile was reserved, a little exhausted. “Johnny, I ..."

"It's fine, you don't have to say anything. Come on, let's go. Show those people out there what Lee Taeyong is capable of. Show them how it's done right. Be powerful, be fierce. But most importantly: be yourself. And please, try not to charm too many fangirls into dropping their panties with your intense looks, or I will get even more jealous than I already am. Give my soft heart a little break, will ya?"

Taeyong answered with a smile.

_Someone to be by my side, to guide me when I go astray, to lead me when it gets dark inside me, to teach me things I am too afraid to do by myself; to make my life richer._

_Someone who can make up for my weaknesses and flaws._

To Taeyong, that someone was Johnny.

_I'm sorry. And thank you._


	13. united we stand divided we fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened after that? Jungwoo briefly sums it up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English is not my native language, there might be a lot of mistakes and some things may sound a bit strange, sorry for that.  
> Feedback is always welcome and highly appreciated. Enjoy!
> 
> In the next two chapters there will be a small random extra chapter as well as an afterword. 
> 
> (special thanks goes to the one and only bek I have in this world)

#### POV: Jungwoo

#### 

* * *

Thinking back, it started right after that one fateful music show.  
Things changed.  
Things we had no idea about at the time. We didn't even know they were happening.  
Strange, how you can miss out on something that is so obvious, isn't it?  
How you don't recognize the truth even when you’re reminded of it every single day.  
I used to believe them when people said 'Everything is fine'.  
To be honest - people who say that tend to be broken on the inside, tempted to give up if they don’t get any help.

But let's not delude ourselves. These are all just stupid excuses.  
Still, they will help us take better care of each other in the future.  
We have learned from our mistakes. We’ve become a lot stronger, have strengthened our character, have grown closer as a group.  
Even today, I try to only see the good that came out of this disaster. Really, I do. I don't want it to hurt anymore, whenever I think about it. 

But probably, it always will.

~

Our performance that night went well. 

Mark bravely pushed through, at first, even if he was a bit out of it and unfocused, messing up a step here and there, but he pulled it off without any complaints. Nevertheless, you could see that he was in pain.

But after the first two songs, his condition got worse again and we unanimously decided that it would be best if he just skipped the last few songs.  
Taeyong called our management, who agreed with our decision and that was the end of that issue - that's what we thought.  
The truth, however, was that he had informed our manager only _after_ the show. However, he did not tell us at the time. 

Taeyong did not share our manager's instructions with us as often as he used to. And even if he gave us any details, it was only after great hesitation, as if he constantly feared that a wrong word could somehow break his neck.  
It was odd, yeah. But we stopped thinking whether we should ask about it or intervene as soon as dance practices and the recordings for our next comeback started. 

From that point on, our days were so packed that everyone barely had enough time and energy to properly take care of themselves. Comeback preparations and schedules were on our minds every waking hour, not leaving space for much else.  
Yuta even started to grow a beard - but more on that later.

The choreography this comeback was incredibly difficult and complicated, perhaps the hardest we‘ve ever had to pull off. Everyone was pushed to their limits, some of us a little sooner, some a little later. There were several risky stunts that had to be performed without any mistakes. Thus, we spent day after day training from early in the morning until late at night until we fell into bed with trembling and sore muscles.

We would eat tons of food to make up for all the physical activity.  
At least, the majority of us did. Then again, others lost their appetite due to all the stress and began to feel tired, unmotivated and weak all the time. Comeback wasn’t easy on any of us.  
Taeyong continued practicing together with the group, but didn't join us for any other scheduled activities.  
We took a somewhat reluctant note of his announcement that he would not take part in the promotions, fan meetings and other public appearances for the time being. We really didn't want to accept this, because we knew that he wasn't to blame for what had happened, and the shitstorm was manageable, it just _wasn't_ fair.

But Taeyong declared that he didn't want to drag our image any further down with him and that he was okay with it. It was just a temporary precaution that he and our manager had decided on together. He and the manager seemed to be quite close lately, as he and Taeyong were deep in discussion for what seemed like ages before a dance practice.

We just put up with it and told him every day that we were missing him very much, that NCT wasn't the same without him, and that we were looking forward to having him by our side again. We made every effort to cheer him up and show our affection. 

At first, he really seemed to be doing okay so far. Then, he gradually began to change. Whenever we would try and talk to him, his mind was absent, even if he was physically present, we could tell. Like he wasn’t really listening, all tense and distracted.  


We began to get concerned, but were very busy and rarely in the dorm where he now spent most of his day, all alone.

He grew more distant every day.

_It was then, that things slowly began to fall apart for Taeyong._

_If only we had noticed earlier what our manager was doing to him._

_If only he had told us._

I know it may sound dumb to say in this kind of situation. But please, don't get me wrong. There are times when I think back to those days and I am glad that I was a part of it. Because we were able to overcome all the hardships together.  
I’ve received many necessary life lessons.  
It made me a better person.  



	14. afterword to part 1 - small preview of part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> afterword & preview

###### afterword

So, first of all, thank you so so much for reading my story up to this point!  
I really had a lot of fun writing this. It was my first time writing something in English and encountered some big and small challenges, but I hope I did well.  
A big thank you goes to my beta reader (my dino-bek) who supported and motivated me with her proofreading, comments and memes.

**I decided to split the story into two parts.**

Once my exams are over I will start with part 2!

Then, thank you again, have a good day, stay healthy and happy,

\- fearlessavantgarde  


.

.

.

####  **Part 2 of the make a wish series:**

~

_“He hasn't been okay since he got back, and I'm worried because I- I love him ... and he's not getting better. I don't know what else I can do to prove to him I'm on his side.”_

~

_"Who is this woman?"  
"That's Dong Young-Mi, our new assistant manager. I like her, she's nice and pretty tough. And guess what, she's from Chicago! She’s always trying to find excuses to talk to Johnny in English, they seem to get along great."_

~

_"Have you checked on Mark? How is he?"  
" He's not doing well, he’s still trying to deal with his panic attacks. Taeyong is talking to him right now, I hope he can make him feel better. I think he needs our support._

~

_“I love you. You've always been my medicine.”  
"How can I cure you if I don't know what's making you sick?"_

~

_"Why won’t you confide in me? I'm really at my wit's end. Did I do something wrong?"  
"That's not what I meant by saying that, Johnny. I-..; please, just give me a little more time and I'll explain everything. Just a little while longer, I've got this covered."_

~

_"What you are about to do is dangerous."  
"I know, but we have no choice. You really don’t have to do this if you don't want to."  
"Just tell me what to do."_


	15. random extra

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't really know why I even wrote that, it's so random lol but here you go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English is not my native language, there might be a lot of mistakes and some things may sound a bit strange, sorry for that.  
> Feedback is always welcome and highly appreciated. Enjoy!

#### random extra

#### 

* * *

“Who made breakfast today?” Taeyong asked Yuta who was the only one still sitting at the dining table. 

The others had already gone to their rooms to get ready for the day with only Doyoung chilling on the couch in their living room.  
A rather melancholic-sounding _'noona neomu yeppeo'_ came from Doyoung's phnoe's speakers at full volume when Yuta finally decided to answer.  
“Mark, if I recall correctly.”  
Bad idea. Very, very bad idea.  
“This explains a few things. Just who the hell said… - Wait, haven't we talked about this more than enough already? That he is not allowed to come within two meters of any stove in all of Korea? We’ve agreed on this to prevent further disasters from happening, remember?”  
“We’ll survive. Hopefully.”  
“That’s not the point I’m trying to make here.”  
“Oh please, stop nagging already, Taeyong. Stop playing mother hen.”  
“Yuta, you...”  
“... are going to take a quick shower. Actually, the food Mark made was not _that_ bad. We won’t get food poisoning from it, _and_ he was closely monitored during the entire cooking process. Otherwise, he might even manage to burn water someday.”  
"That sounds ridiculous."  
"Whatever. Have you been sleeping in the practice room again? Is that why you are late again?" Taeyong remained silent. 

Instead, his gaze hardened and grew cold, as if he was expecting to be criticized by Yuta at any time now. To his surprise, that was not the case.

"Hey, loosen up a bit Yong. You’re allowed to joke around now and then, it’s not going to ruin your image right away - cut yourself some slack, we all know the real you. And the truth is: Your role as the 'perfect idol' put aside, you’re just a sweet homebody who wants to be babied at times. There’s no point denying that." Yuta chuckled smugly, resting a hand on Taeyong's head for a second, before he stood up, humming to himself on his way to the bathroom.

Gritting his teeth Taeyong leaned forward against the table and shot Yuta’s back an irritated look. He then shook his head, blew a strand of bleached blond hair from his forehead and tried to get his thoughts straight.  
Slowly, he began to clean up after the other members, stacking the dirty dishes and carrying them into the kitchen.

Yuta knew him far too well; lately, Taeyong had been working hard almost 24/7.  
This had to stop.

But - just _how? Just then, he heard loud voices from the other room._

_“HAECHAN WILL YOU PLEASE STOP USING MY UNDERWEAR FOR ONCE?! I’M SO DONE WITH YOU AND YOUR CREEPY HABITS. GET OUT OF HERE, YOU BETTER BUY ME NEW ONES, OR I’LL DRAG YOU TO THE STORE - NAKED.”_

_“Well, whatever floats his goat.”_

_“ _But…_ \- they were a gift to me from someone I really cherish and care about. They are _ mine. _Oh god, that's so gross, god, please, what have I done wrong in life to deserve this.”_

_“I'll get you a thousand pairs of underpants for Christmas, hun. So how does that sound?”_

_“Now that sounds like you're my sugar daddy.”_

_“One among many others, I guess.”_

_“How come you're all so weird?”_

_“Then, if you're the normal one, Haechan is an introvert.”_

_“He's not an _introvert_ he's a fucking exhibitionist.“_

_“Better not tell our management.”_

_“I couldn't agree more.”_

_“Nevertheless, this does not solve my problem.”_

_“Then stop wearing any underwear. Trust me, it's a thrilling experience. “_

_“Say no more.”_

_“Being prepared at all times will do you no harm.”_

_“Try getting that point across to our stylist-noonas. “_

_“Who says I haven't done that already?”_

_“Perv.”_

_“I wanna have kimchi jjigae for dinner! “_

_“Jisung, why are you out of all people here in our dorm?”_

_“Someone pray for his innocent soul. “_

_“I'm already all grown up! Check out my biceps."_

_“Oh, come to daddy, my poor sweet little summer child.”_

Taeyong sighed. Yeah, how would that ever be possible - for him to take a proper break.


End file.
